DUE TO WORLD FINANCIAL CRISIS & BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS THE NEW OFFICE POLICY…
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bathroom Breaks:Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm willsound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After yoursecond offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
P.S. I really wonder how safe the chair is ????????…. Should anyone break their neck then there’ll be heaps of lawsuits against the employer for «Injury in the workplace» & lawsuits against HOT beers given the nature of the mini bar (too bad trying to reach for an Iced Cold FOSTER’S!!!!!!) 😉